30 Going on 13

My post yesterday made some of you laugh, pissed some of you off and made some of you question if it was written about you, specifically. Don't be so serious... it was a satirical piece intended to take blatant stereotypes and give you a chuckle. I hope none of you took it too hard.

Because of the overwhelming response and number of page views... I'm writing a similar piece for men. 30 Going on 13: The Mountain Man's Guide to Finding Love

Enjoy.

Sweet Dee. Photo: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 

She's the one in the bright pink beanie with wispy blonde hair falling haplessly on her shoulders. Her split ends are noticeable from a mile away, but it's all part of the look and lifestyle -- that A) she's outdoorsy, B) she's too busy getting rad to cut her hair, and C) she just doesn't give a f*ck... oh, and D) she's probably broke. She's a mountain girl.

You will most likely recognize her before you even meet her. That's because her public status updates and photos of her skiing, surfing, doing yoga, and [insert awesome activity here] pop up on your newsfeed... and guess what? All of your bros have already "liked" them. Her Instagram documents her amazing talents like art, wine knowledge and her ability to shotgun a PBR tall can. She works hard and plays harder.

She's the one at the all organic cafe and juice bar talking about how juicing has changed her life. How it's increased her endurance and made her a better athlete. If you are invited into her conversation, be ready to talk about your own interest in nutrition, how capable you are in the backcountry and that you have a "real" job. Because, even though she doesn't have a real job, she expects her man to have one.

She may be 30, or just on the cusp, but she drinks like a frat boy from the University of Michigan and still finds herself attracted to the disheveled and unkempt 20-year-old ski bum. Despite her strict policy about not using online dating services, she's started using Tinder because she tells herself it's just an app... I mean, Olympic athletes are using it, why shouldn't I? She finds excuses for everything.

Because the odds are good for her (men to women ratio in a mountain town = 3:1), she dates around. She moves from one guy to the next because the next guy always looks better on paper. So, you best get your sh*t together before attempting to date this T-Rex. 

Steps to finding your own Mountain Girl:

1. Beef up your Instagram and Facebook with photos of you in the backcountry, fly-fishing, mountain biking and winning (literally and figuratively).

2. DO NOT act like you know her name already when you meet her. She's probably already aware you've seen her on Facebook or Instagram... but the more aloof you act, the more she'll be intrigued. Did I mention that she loves assholes?

3. Start juicing and attending hot yoga ASAP.