30 Going on 13

My post yesterday made some of you laugh, pissed some of you off and made some of you question if it was written about you, specifically. Don't be so serious... it was a satirical piece intended to take blatant stereotypes and give you a chuckle. I hope none of you took it too hard.

Because of the overwhelming response and number of page views... I'm writing a similar piece for men. 30 Going on 13: The Mountain Man's Guide to Finding Love

Enjoy.

Sweet Dee. Photo: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 

She's the one in the bright pink beanie with wispy blonde hair falling haplessly on her shoulders. Her split ends are noticeable from a mile away, but it's all part of the look and lifestyle -- that A) she's outdoorsy, B) she's too busy getting rad to cut her hair, and C) she just doesn't give a f*ck... oh, and D) she's probably broke. She's a mountain girl.

You will most likely recognize her before you even meet her. That's because her public status updates and photos of her skiing, surfing, doing yoga, and [insert awesome activity here] pop up on your newsfeed... and guess what? All of your bros have already "liked" them. Her Instagram documents her amazing talents like art, wine knowledge and her ability to shotgun a PBR tall can. She works hard and plays harder.

She's the one at the all organic cafe and juice bar talking about how juicing has changed her life. How it's increased her endurance and made her a better athlete. If you are invited into her conversation, be ready to talk about your own interest in nutrition, how capable you are in the backcountry and that you have a "real" job. Because, even though she doesn't have a real job, she expects her man to have one.

She may be 30, or just on the cusp, but she drinks like a frat boy from the University of Michigan and still finds herself attracted to the disheveled and unkempt 20-year-old ski bum. Despite her strict policy about not using online dating services, she's started using Tinder because she tells herself it's just an app... I mean, Olympic athletes are using it, why shouldn't I? She finds excuses for everything.

Because the odds are good for her (men to women ratio in a mountain town = 3:1), she dates around. She moves from one guy to the next because the next guy always looks better on paper. So, you best get your sh*t together before attempting to date this T-Rex. 

Steps to finding your own Mountain Girl:

1. Beef up your Instagram and Facebook with photos of you in the backcountry, fly-fishing, mountain biking and winning (literally and figuratively).

2. DO NOT act like you know her name already when you meet her. She's probably already aware you've seen her on Facebook or Instagram... but the more aloof you act, the more she'll be intrigued. Did I mention that she loves assholes?

3. Start juicing and attending hot yoga ASAP. 

Peter Pan on Valentines Day

Need help finding a date for Valentines Day? Here's your guide to finding Peter Pan in your Mountain and/or Beach Town:

He's the one with the shaggy unkempt hair, the stubbled face and the worn hands. The guy who has a dog, a truck and a passion for anything that pushes the boundaries of safety. He's a skier, a surfer, a snowboarder, a climber, a budding photographer and enjoys artisan brews. He is Peter Pan.

You've probably met him at a brewery, on a chairlift or in the back of a ski and/or bike shop rehashing his latest adventure with other bearded men. He's the one in a beanie, holding an IPA and sporting his latest experimental facial hair arrangement -- this week, stubble with a Connoisseur mustache. His facial hair gives him confidence and adds to his unique character and mysteriousness.

He's the one with the BBQ all fired up, the six pack sitting in the snow and a single red rose (how original) awaiting you at his house for Valentines Day. He'll gladly grill you up a bratwurst and slide a cold one across the table to show you he cares. The TV will be on behind you and you'll wonder if he's looking deeply into your eyes with that excited look, or if he's just looking right through you to catch replays of last nights Olympic Slopestyle competition. You tell yourself the former...Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.


He may be 40-something, but acts like he's 20... which will both prepare you for motherhood and keep you young. It's likely that he lives in a ski or surf town... or spends time in both depending on the season. He has more roommates than bedrooms and his walls are littered with smut, Pink Floyd posters and the latest centerfold from Powder Magazine. We all know this guy... and we all tend to fall for him. That's why at 40, he's still dating the hottest 20 year olds that move to town.

His youthful approach to life will win you over... so let go and enjoy it... at least for Valentines Day. I mean, if you live in a mountain town and you're a lady -- it doesn't take much more than a PBR and a flannel shirt to win you over.

So how do you find him?

1. Visit Peppi Stiegler's, Hoback Sports or Wilson Backcountry often.

2. Loudly order the most burley beer at the Brew Pub to catch his attention.

3. Talk about sled skiing, your hiking time up Glory and how you are considering Heli Skiing this year. He'll be enamored.

4. Borrow your best friend's dog and do a Snow King lap after work.

5. When you finally get to talking to him, discuss things he's comfortable and knowledgable about: Shredding, Pow, Beer, Flannel, Moose Hockey, Travis Rice, Valhalla and how much you love Pinky G's Pizza.


Happy Valentine's Day Ya'll! xx

The Three Things I Learned from the Sons of Perdition

"And if I remain in the dark about our purpose here, and the meaning of eternity, I have nevertheless arrived at an understanding of a few more modest truths: Most of us fear death. Most of us yearn to comprehend how we got here, and why...And we will no doubt feel that ache, most of us for as long as we happen to be alive. " 

-John Krakauer Under the Banner of Heaven

"The Road to Perdition"

Last night I watched the documentary, Sons of Perdition, that documents exiled young men and women from Colorado City, a town founded by Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. The theme that resonated most deeply for me was discovery. Discovery of a life outside of a very small existence... Enjoyment, fulfillment, opportunity and knowledge.

The youth and even adults in this documentary were undereducated, sheltered and told to believe their whole lives that people on the "outside" were evil. They were kept from listening to music or reading books, magazines and even newspapers. Their education was based solely on the teachings of the Book of Mormon, the Bible and the musings of Prophet Warren Jeffs.

Their knowledge of the world and what it had to offer was confined to the limits of this small antiquated town.

Those that stay, will never know more than a life of repetitive piety. But those that left and were exiled, began to discover knowledge, opportunity and living.

This documentary got me to thinking about the lives that we on the "outside" live. With the advent of smartphones and tablets, we have quick access to knowledge whenever we want. We have TV, newspapers, social networks and literature we can easily access on our phones.

But even with all of this at our fingertips, are we sheltering ourselves to some extent? Are we holding ourselves back by succumbing to the margins of a comfortable existence? Do we fear the unknown and choose to accept the news the mass media feeds us... the placating kitten videos we watch for hours on Facebook... or the mind-numbing games we play on our phones? Is it possible that we are just as sheltered as the youth in the documentary?

"I want to experience life, firsthand." - Sons of Perdition

I do believe we shelter ourselves to some extent. That -- inadvertently we become so comfortable in life that we avoid taking risks and being brave. The boys and girls in this documentary took the ultimate risk that bared with it very significant consequences: One, that they will be damned to hell according to the Mormon religion and two, that they lose all ties to their parents, siblings and any form of financial support. But, they do it anyway because they were the brave thinkers to question the laws of a very influential "prophet."

We can learn a lot from drawing this parallel...

1. Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

We all have fear, but for some of us it is debilitating. In general, we tend to know what's good for us and what is ultimately bad for us. We are logical beings with varying levels of fear. That's what separates the leaders from the followers.

2. Be brave and trust your gut.

Despite being logical beings, we are also privy to gut feelings about situations in life. If you're faced with a difficult decision, dig deep and listen to your gut. Learning the difference between fear and what your gut is telling you is a valuable tool.

3. Go beyond the levels of your comfort.

Get out. Do something new. Visit an offbeat news site -- one that doesn't report mass media. Pick up a book from the library about a culture you know nothing about (an Ethnology), plan a trip somewhere far away, voice your opinion at work.

 Be open, be brave, be you.


Links:

• Watch the documentary on Netflix - Watch Trailer HERE

• Read about Prophet Warren Jeffs HERE